out of the wilderness

It’s been my second week of nursing school and, despite all my insecurities leading up to this, it’s been really good.

The past year and a half out of college have been far from horrible, but not exactly optimal either. While everyone else was working great jobs, getting engaged&married, or deep into school programs, I felt at a standstill and at square one. It’s one thing to talk about future plans, but another to actually be advancing on those. Discontentment was, unfortunately, the name of my game.  Now that I’ve finallyy started, I feel like I’m out of the wilderness. That there’s progression. That I’m no longer wandering (not that I’ve been wandering 40 years…).

I don’t want to say that my joy is circumstantial because it is certainly not, nor am I at the end of the tunnel (esp with starting a 2-year program? Definitely not!), but it is wonderful seeing forward momentum.

While the past 1.5 years had its low points, I have SO much to be thankful for during my time off. I returned to my OG city love, SF. I ate a lot of good food with even better friends. I found a new church family and have been l-o-v-i-n-g it, maybe minus the long drives. I visited Boston, Philly (x2), and NYC (x2, and now my other city love). I visited HK for my first solo trip and added stamps from Japan, England, and France to my passport. I learned new, hard lessons and kept relearning the same ones about identity.

Suffice to say, it’s so weird to think this “chapter” is over, even though I’m staying in the same place. Excited for what’s to come though (:

the smell of coffee

…makes me think it’s morning, but it’s not. Well, technically it is the early early morning, the kind where I should be asleep.

I found this recipe for “Magical Coffee,” which involves cold-brewing. Hence the grinding of beans at 3am, which also makes me feel like a maniac for creating aromas designated only for early (not early early) mornings.

Either way, the past two weeks have been interesting. The big thing on my to-do list for the past year is now gone. I expected there to be huge lulls in my days now that I didn’t have to pore over and torture words to death. It was a prayer request to be diligent and disciplined with my time now, and I don’t think it’s any coincidence that I haven’t had much downtime despite not having a set schedule. I got my Vibrams last week and I’ve only gotten the chance to run in them once.  I’m sometimes surprised at how much needs to be done in a day, yet how little is crossed off my post-it to-do lists written the night before.

But I guess someone who didn’t have a lot of free time wouldn’t be baking (failed) birthday cakes.

yet another example of "looks better than it tastes"

…or have time to figure out that her favorite Wednesday farmers’ market closed down. Or eating at food trucks on a random Thursday night.

So then again, I am very thankful for this little lull of time. The waiting period isn’t all terrible, I suppose.

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As a side note, can I also mention how heartbroken I am every time I watch the news? It is crazy to visibly see how we humans can spend years into building communities and it can be wiped out by nature in mere minutes. Not only that, but my dearest EAP friend JK is actually teaching English in the Miyagi prefecture in northeast Japan which was hit the hardest by both the earthquake and tsunami. I was worried sick the first night since there was no news that any of his family or friends had heard from him yet. Luckily, some friends and his mom wrote on his Facebook page saying that they’d contacted him and he’s fine, albeit without running water, electricity, or phone reception. Weird how social media is such a time-sucker, but redeems itself in ways like this. But keep praying for Japan and its people.

some things worth waking up & waiting for

overcast days in san francisco. brunch. warm coffee on cold mornings. good friends. laughter. waitresses who somehow get gravy on their elbows. glimpses of cityscape.

new mercies each morning. a content heart. being satisfied with God’s way. the future.

How to explain the past few days…

Perhaps, grace?

I think I have lofty expectations of what the future will/could hold–glimpses of city life, spending afternoons in coffee shops, enjoying brunch at yuppie places, strolling the local farmer’s market. Not that I don’t try to live like that already, but there are always strings of guilt attached to enjoying these fully since I don’t feel like I have truly earned these things as a dependent student still. I think I expect to reach some point in my life where things will just be carefree and perfect and all the things I love, but realistically life isn’t like that. It is just a reminder that contentment will not occur once I achieve certain things such as finishing school, starting my career, or getting married, but it’s in the right here and now. I feel like I come to this conclusion often though only after a long time of complaining. Oh, post-college life.

busyness in a nutshell

Where did July come from? Where did the entire month of June go?

When did pride & high expectations & a sense of entitlement seep back so strongly in my life?

I talk/ed about receiving a lot better than I deserve, but is that what I truly believe when I’ve been fighting so hard for more than just that?

in grace.

‘Grow in grace’-not in one grace only, but in all grace. Grow in that root-grace, faith. Believe the promises more firmly than you have done. Let faith increase in fullness, constancy, simplicity. Grow also in love. Ask that your love may become extended, more intense, more practical, influencing every thought, word, and deed. Grow likewise in humility. Seek to lie very low, and know more of your own nothingness. As you grow downward in humility, seek also to grow upward-having nearer approaches to God in prayer and more intimate fellowship with Jesus. May God the Holy Spirit enable you to ‘grow in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour.’

-Charles Spurgeon

happiness vs. contentment

in high school (aka ultra-emo, angsty season of life), i used to wonder a lot about the difference between happiness and contentment. what exactly each entailed and what i wanted for my own life. of course, happiness is so much preferred over contentment from a connotative point-of-view; for me, happiness meant an active, true joy whereas contentment implied settling for what you got.

however, may i PLEASE share this wealth of wisdom from this blog i stumbled upon. it’s written by a wife and mother who got married and had 4 kids within 4 years of her life. i wasn’t aware of this, but apparently a lot of parents who have big families get a hard rap from others for being selfish and not caring for their children since lots of kids likely means an inability to put all of these kids through college. (and may i mention, i am so indebted and grateful for my parents because i never once had to worry about how i would afford my education!) but in this post, she writes an open letter to her children about their decision to adopt more children on top of the 4 they already have, regardless of rising college costs (emphasis mine):

My goal as your mom is not your happiness, sugars. In fact, I spend at least half my day making you unhappy. If I had a nickle for every tear that falls in this home on a daily basis, we wouldn’t need to worry about college tuition at all.

Happiness is fleeting, sweet babies. That means it doesn’t last. It’s a quick feeling that comes from a funny movie or a heart shaped lollipop or a really good birthday present. It’s great. I love to be happy. But happiness is a reaction that is based on our surroundings. And our surroundings are so very rarely under our control. Even when – especially when – we think they are. So no, I absolutely don’t want you to spend your life chasing something that has so little to do with your own abilities. You’ll just be constantly frustrated.

There are two things I desire for you, precious loves. There are two things that I spend most of my time as a mother trying cultivate in you. Happiness ain’t one of them. (This means, sorry, no boob jobs for you.)

The first is, I want you to be content. Being content is so much different from being happy. Being content is not based on your surroundings. Being content comes from within. Contentment is a spirit of gratitude. It’s the choice you make to either be thankful for the things you do have, or to whine about the things you don’t have.

Being content and grateful leads to consistent joy.

i do the entry no justice by pasting a random blurb of it so please read it in its entirety here.

but wow. what a contrast. not that happiness is WRONG by any means, but is chasing highs through your life enough? will it satisfy you? or will a spirit of contentment–of gratitude and thankfulness despite all circumstances–do it? not only that, but what is the end means of happiness and contentment? is the focus on ourselves–only being satisfied getting what we want when we want it–or is it finding joy in whatever God grants us–giving glory back to who it comes from?

am i content because i know i get so much better than i deserve?

a good thing to examine in my own life.