nostalgia

B visited this past weekend to finish packing things as his parents recently sold their house. T, B & I wanted to hang out, but ended up back at his house anyway since everything in Millbrae closes at 11pm.  Since we all lived in Warren the first two years of college, we spent at least an hour or so reminiscing and laughing about crazy moments and just talking about life in a half-empty house. It was really nice since having late night chats hasn’t really happened so organically since moving home. I haven’t really done it without worrying about my unofficial curfew or allotting 30 minutes of commute time. It’s just not the same as college,  knowing each of your beds is only a 5-minute walk or drive away and that you’re not bothering anyone’s parents. It was also strange for me to realize how the three of us are in really different parts of life now 5 years after dorm life. Not that I’ve known it’s true, but it was nice. Nostalgia, how you get me.

playmode!

a peaceful home

I have been in perpetual play mode ever since my short trip to SD last weekend. While I’m two-thirds done with my anatomy class, it appears the trip has broken my concentration for that class, and I have been struggling ever since to study for my next test on Tuesday. It probably doesn’t help that I finished seasons 3 & 4 of Dexter this week, too. (Yes, you can see where all my time has gone).

In retrospect, I’ve done a lot of traveling this year. Even though I was a little disappointed by what I actually got accomplished last weekend, I always appreciate a change of scenery/pace. Reminders to not be comfortable at home or to settle for how things are, but to be persistent and to strive.

I’ve probably mentioned this before, but cleaning is so much more appealing when I’m supposed to be studying. I have been planning to rearrange my room/much of the rest of the house ever since returning, and it’s currently stuck in this limbo/haphazard arrangement that kinda works, but it’s just not there yet. I WILL do this by August 15th. That is my deadline.

getting old.

I’ve realized that as you get old, you get weird.

Coming home after four point five years, I’ve noticed my dad has developed some pretty weird quirks that weren’t present when I was in high school.

One of these is that any enclosed place is “stuffy”. This results in wide-open windows all over the house in the middle of winter (granted, we have extremely mild winters in the 40′s/50′s at coldest, but to my thinned out San Diego blood, it is beyond FREEZING). I might add that the heater is still on during this time -_-. Nature and our gas bills hate us.

Another is an almost OCD emptying of all the trash bins in the house everyday because they apparently smell. This includes all the bins, even the ones that just have tissues in our bedrooms. Now, we are running very short on trash bin liners (aka plastic bags) and sometimes forgo them altogether.

Another one is the fact that our alarm system must be activated whenever we go to sleep or leave the house. If this is forgotten, there will be a lecture about how people will come into our house, tie us up, and steal everything. This lecture will be given verbatim even if it doesn’t apply. Case in point: I got the exact same lecture this morning when there was a blackout at our house so I had to leave to work on my final (“people will tie us up even when no one’s home?”). Sometimes I think my dad forgets we live in a sleepy, rather safe suburb. When I was training for my job, they assured us that the police said there was no criminal or gang activity in our area, just recent mountain lion sightings (seriously, what the heck. I think I laughed out loud at the ridiculousness).

Regardless of being sensitive to these weird quirks, I was reminded of how awesome my dad is when he came home from work at 7:30 tonight and still cooked an amazing meal for us. And it’s weird to see my parents grow older. It’s strange to think that my dad is turning 57 next week. Crazy.

pandemonium… at the dinner table

My brother brought me back this shirt from Thailand. It’s actually from Threadless, called Pandamonium.

It was a topic of discussion at dinner tonight.

Mum: What a crazy shirt. Why is there a panda with helicopters with missiles? So random.

Brother: Uh… it’s a pun on the word pandemonium. You know what the word pandemonium means right?

Mum: (squinting at my shirt still) I see the panda, but where is the monium?

Dad: (clearly on a different page) It’s ammonia, not ammonium!

Me, brother: Wow.

It’s safe to say that our parents still show their fobbiness, despite how many years they’ve lived here. Hahah..

new additions

New additions to the household as of this weekend.

1) A pretty bunch of ranunculus for the household dining table. (excuse the mess around it).

2) My new betta, yet to be named. Since I still can’t have a dog, I’ll settle for a feisty turtle and a fish on my desk for now.

He’s prettier than the picture shows here, though I couldn’t figure out how to capture his wiggliness accurately.

This weekend was full of visitors. M was visiting home so that resulted in a food adventure Friday afternoon, followed by lengthy food coma and nap.

S & D were visiting from San Diego this weekend, so it resulted in SF touristy-ness on Sunday. Of course, I didn’t bring a camera for the amazing views and food. -__- We also each got a goldfish from the same store for the A’s parents’ fish tank, which I normally love staring at when I go over. Can’t wait to see my selected fishy again (: Oh yeah, and A, too.

steadfastness

I hate it when rationally I know I shouldn’t be feeling a certain way (normally, a negative mood, like annoyance, frustration, anger, etc.), but I feel like I “just can’t help it”.

In my mind, I’m telling myself, “I wish I didn’t feel this way. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. It’s ruining everything,” yet my emotions run rampant despite my logic. In many ways, it’s pretty consistent with what psychology teaches–that our hearts and emotions are uncontrollable, that we are led by our hearts.

But what’s interesting is that at the WDW conference this past summer, I attended a seminar about imitating Christ in our emotional lives (pretty fitting for an all-women conference). The lady who taught it was also a PhD in psychology, yet she taught that while we are told that we have no control over our emotions since they appear almost immediately as a reaction, there is a split-second–whether we are conscious of it or not–where we make a decision about how we feel about something. Ultimately this decision is rooted in our beliefs and principles, and how we stick to them. Therefore, if we want our emotional life to imitate that of Christ’s (which is detailed greatly through the Gospels), we must be resolved to control our emotions by establishing our convictions.

It makes sense. And it disappoints me when I lack this steadfastness. That my heart is so quick to react in annoyance or anger, because after that point, my emotions start ruling my thoughts and my actions. And I hate it. I hate that my heart is so quick to anger and so affected by what other people say or think.

I agree with Paul’s frustration in his failures as he writes in Romans 7:15 and 18, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate…For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.”

And yet there is hope in Christ: ”Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:24a).

Another reminder to keep the gospel central to my thinking.

on resolutions, moving home

This has felt like a whirlwind of  a month. I’ve only “officially” moved back home for 1.5 weeks, yet it feels like I’ve been here for a month already. My room is still a hectic mess (though improved much more), half (or more) of my wardrobe is still sitting in the living room in suitcases and garbage bags, and I don’t know where most of my belongings are.  What’s even crazier is that I can’t imagine that I’m going to be home for months, maybe even a couple years. For the past four years, I’ve never been home longer than three weeks, and to imagine that multiplied by I-don’t-kn0w-what-number-yet…

But despite the crazy start to 2010, I am so thankful for many things. December gave me a good feel for how home would be like, and I can only hope & pray that I can change and adapt where appropriate to these circumstances, rather than just being frustrated and angry. A good point that Pastor Patrick handed me at my exit interview was that my parents are a God-given authority in my life. Meaning, as much as I disagree or believe that they make my life difficult, they have been placed in my life for a reason, and I have to honor them. So we’ll see how that goes… it’s much too early to say anything.

I made resolutions again this year, since Naomi made us do them last year. She insisted that it wasn’t about setting ourselves up for failure, but that we should always be striving to improve ourselves, and that any other attitude would be one that was lazy and unfitting. On my flight back to San Diego earlier this month, I finally penned up my resolutions (which was quite a hefty list. looks like I have a lot to improve):

1. Be gospel-centered in thinking & worldview, remembering that truth must be balanced with love&grace.

2. Exercise once a week. (This was a repeat from last year, where I failed miserably. I’m failing miserably as we speak.)

3. Be on time for things/manage & plan time well! (Also a repeat, but I’m definitely improving

4. Sleep earlier by 1am, latest.

5. Read Bible in a year (I’m intimidated, but I really want to do this.)

6. Pray more. Make a prayer calendar to remind myself to pray for different people everyday.

Oh yes, and side things I’m working on:

a) How to sew/be crafty (currently working on an apron and a headband/sash thing)

b) How to cook Chinese food!

So far, I’m not doing so well. I guess it’s hard when I’ve overhauled my life recently, but I’m going to work on it. I suppose I’ll bring them up every couple months to do a “check” on how I’m doing.

Also, I’m so thankful for encouragement from fellow strugglers. How He knows what we need.

how fitting.

How appropriate that my blog (that I write in rarely–but my blog, nonetheless) is called “a time for everything”.

As of this past week, my parents have asked (I think–they won’t stop changing their mind of what they want me to do) to come home. It’s been pretty heavy on my heart to return home to minister to my  parents and friends here, especially since my biggest (and only) pull for staying in San Diego would be my church. I know that staying in San Diego wouldn’t have been the most selfish thing, all practicalities of finances aside… I am actively being equipped and challenged by the shepherds of the church; dispensed wisdom, encouragement, and correction by the older ladies; and the families serve as such a great example for how I hope to raise my family one day (God-willing!). Not to mention how much I’ve learned from LBC-SD these 2+years. And h0w it is my first and only church family…

I think seeing Anthony dealing with the same situation last month was good in challenging me in my own convictions about moving home vs. staying. But at the same time, Wury challenged me to mediate on John 21:21-25, about when Jesus asked Peter whether Peter agape-loved Jesus above all these things (meaning EVERYTHING), Peter replied twice that of course he phileo-loved Jesus, which is a much less intense love than agape. On top of that, Peter was concerned about John, and Jesus had to remind Peter than Peter need only be focused on his own portion.

So bottom-line:

-Do I agape-love Christ above everything that I am willing to do what He commands, be it in the Bay Area or San Diego?

-Am I more concerned about circumstances (friends, money, potential career) than God’s glory?

Challenging, challenging thoughts. Either way, I guess I have a little more time to think through it.

Also, Christmas is coming soon. Weird though, since I’m so jaded by the commercial, secularization of Christmas. It’s hard to remember that it is about celebrating Christ’s birth, and not about just celebrating a holiday for the sake of doing so. Or getting 3 weeks of break.

cleanliness is close to…

considering the embarassing state of our last house when we returned it back to our landlady, my new apartment has been a definite change for me. in some ways, it’s extremely unnatural and uncomfortable for me, since i feel like i’m almost intruding on someone else’s kitchen when i’m cooking in it. however, it has been good in learning how to better clean up after myself, and in a lot of ways, learning how to serve others practically in being considerate or washing dishes that aren’t mine (quite a change.. and it’s good).

in many ways, these habits are translating to my short visit back home. the order of the house has been quite different since our housekeeper retired when i left for college, and with their busy careers, housekeeping is not a high priority for my parents. especially this time, i’m learning that it takes a LOT of work even trying to maintain a household; the other day i prepared dinner in the afternoon, cleaned, and then started dinner as i was mending my brother’s pants… i felt very productive and mature.

i think a year or two ago i would’ve moaned and complained that this was boring, menial, and dirty work. but now, i see it as a very practical way to serve and love my family and a way to prepare for the future. and anyway, at 21 i don’t think i can expect anyone to clean up after me anymore. …not that i do all these things perfectly (i mean, the chicken i made the other night was too salty ): but i’m definitely finding it very gratifying in developing these skills.

regardless, the house still has a lot of cleaning and fixing up to do.. and i’m still trying to build the outdoor pond for the turtles.. more updates to come (: