trust

I am trusting God’s sovereignty and orchestration of life over anything I think is better for His ways are so much better. I trust Him, because His promises through the gospel is my only sense of hope in this life. I trust Him because He loves me. And thank God, because I can’t imagine placing hope in anything in this life, because nothing else lasts and because nothing else is perfect.

I am far from perfect, yet there is hope for me. That is grace.

happiness vs. contentment

in high school (aka ultra-emo, angsty season of life), i used to wonder a lot about the difference between happiness and contentment. what exactly each entailed and what i wanted for my own life. of course, happiness is so much preferred over contentment from a connotative point-of-view; for me, happiness meant an active, true joy whereas contentment implied settling for what you got.

however, may i PLEASE share this wealth of wisdom from this blog i stumbled upon. it’s written by a wife and mother who got married and had 4 kids within 4 years of her life. i wasn’t aware of this, but apparently a lot of parents who have big families get a hard rap from others for being selfish and not caring for their children since lots of kids likely means an inability to put all of these kids through college. (and may i mention, i am so indebted and grateful for my parents because i never once had to worry about how i would afford my education!) but in this post, she writes an open letter to her children about their decision to adopt more children on top of the 4 they already have, regardless of rising college costs (emphasis mine):

My goal as your mom is not your happiness, sugars. In fact, I spend at least half my day making you unhappy. If I had a nickle for every tear that falls in this home on a daily basis, we wouldn’t need to worry about college tuition at all.

Happiness is fleeting, sweet babies. That means it doesn’t last. It’s a quick feeling that comes from a funny movie or a heart shaped lollipop or a really good birthday present. It’s great. I love to be happy. But happiness is a reaction that is based on our surroundings. And our surroundings are so very rarely under our control. Even when – especially when – we think they are. So no, I absolutely don’t want you to spend your life chasing something that has so little to do with your own abilities. You’ll just be constantly frustrated.

There are two things I desire for you, precious loves. There are two things that I spend most of my time as a mother trying cultivate in you. Happiness ain’t one of them. (This means, sorry, no boob jobs for you.)

The first is, I want you to be content. Being content is so much different from being happy. Being content is not based on your surroundings. Being content comes from within. Contentment is a spirit of gratitude. It’s the choice you make to either be thankful for the things you do have, or to whine about the things you don’t have.

Being content and grateful leads to consistent joy.

i do the entry no justice by pasting a random blurb of it so please read it in its entirety here.

but wow. what a contrast. not that happiness is WRONG by any means, but is chasing highs through your life enough? will it satisfy you? or will a spirit of contentment–of gratitude and thankfulness despite all circumstances–do it? not only that, but what is the end means of happiness and contentment? is the focus on ourselves–only being satisfied getting what we want when we want it–or is it finding joy in whatever God grants us–giving glory back to who it comes from?

am i content because i know i get so much better than i deserve?

a good thing to examine in my own life.

the fast-forward button

there are some days where i really want to push the fast-forward button. i’m over this stage of life. next, please!

i am full of contradictions. i’m a homebody and a natural introvert, but i love thrills and adventure. i’m naturally predisposed to fickleness and new experiences. (of course, not an excuse for anything.. just something i have to keep in check).

then again, i’m 22. i’m kind of scared when i feel unsettled and squirmy at the idea of staying in this part of life so early in the game. and then again, it’s just another variety of escapism when i hope to speed through this season of life. or maybe it’s just evidences of discontent and an ungrateful heart.

how am i using this time period well? what could i be working on? and what am i not being thankful for?

heart check, please.

on hospitality, reconciliation, & random.

a couple of weeks ago, stacey from GBF graciously opened her home and cooked us an amazing french meal (from julia child’s mastering the art of french cooking, no less). beef bourguignon, garlic mashed potatoes, and butter blanched green beans (of course, there were french names to all these, and i’m an american butchering them). it looked like this:

stacey's amazing meal, taken by estella

and yes, it tasted as amazing as it looks. this, coupled with the beautiful townhouse she and her roommates shared, just really brought back the desire to show biblical hospitality in the (near?) future. to be able to invite people over, cook for them, and show love in this manner. of course, i am far, far from reaching this point, but it reminded me of WHY i want to work on these things.

similarly, i’m trying to figure out if this overcomes my former desire of obtaining a higher degree, one that allows me a comfortable lifestyle and wins people’s approval (specifically my parents). these doubts always bubble back up when i have dinner with my parents and their friends’ families. all my former passion and desires re-bubble up when i see the success and pride, and i covet it yet again. but when i take a step back, what does that all mean in the big picture? so what if they’re a doctor, 30, enjoying the single life, make lots and spend frivolously? is that what i truly want to place my hope in? i was dismayed when i found that i wasn’t quite over this, and was in fact “backsliding” on what i thought i’d learned previously. a reminder that i will never fully be “done” with anything, that my worldview constantly needs shaping. that i should always place my thoughts and hope on Christ, and remember that the Holy Spirit is and needs to continually work in me.

additionally, i (re-)discovered today that reconciliation is so sweet. soooo sweet. reconciliation for me previously was to just to save as much dignity and pride as possible and “ok, ok, say whatever you want. as long as we don’t have to deal with it anymore,” and ended with a sweep under the rug and a chip on my shoulder. but now thanks to grace given through the gospel, it’s learning how to bend my knee in humility, admit where i’m wrong (always a log in my eye), gently correct where necessary, and to come out of it having learned something and improving on the relationship. i am so thankful. (and yes, the peacemaker’s pledge works.)

steadfastness

I hate it when rationally I know I shouldn’t be feeling a certain way (normally, a negative mood, like annoyance, frustration, anger, etc.), but I feel like I “just can’t help it”.

In my mind, I’m telling myself, “I wish I didn’t feel this way. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. It’s ruining everything,” yet my emotions run rampant despite my logic. In many ways, it’s pretty consistent with what psychology teaches–that our hearts and emotions are uncontrollable, that we are led by our hearts.

But what’s interesting is that at the WDW conference this past summer, I attended a seminar about imitating Christ in our emotional lives (pretty fitting for an all-women conference). The lady who taught it was also a PhD in psychology, yet she taught that while we are told that we have no control over our emotions since they appear almost immediately as a reaction, there is a split-second–whether we are conscious of it or not–where we make a decision about how we feel about something. Ultimately this decision is rooted in our beliefs and principles, and how we stick to them. Therefore, if we want our emotional life to imitate that of Christ’s (which is detailed greatly through the Gospels), we must be resolved to control our emotions by establishing our convictions.

It makes sense. And it disappoints me when I lack this steadfastness. That my heart is so quick to react in annoyance or anger, because after that point, my emotions start ruling my thoughts and my actions. And I hate it. I hate that my heart is so quick to anger and so affected by what other people say or think.

I agree with Paul’s frustration in his failures as he writes in Romans 7:15 and 18, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate…For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.”

And yet there is hope in Christ: ”Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:24a).

Another reminder to keep the gospel central to my thinking.

on resolutions, moving home

This has felt like a whirlwind of  a month. I’ve only “officially” moved back home for 1.5 weeks, yet it feels like I’ve been here for a month already. My room is still a hectic mess (though improved much more), half (or more) of my wardrobe is still sitting in the living room in suitcases and garbage bags, and I don’t know where most of my belongings are.  What’s even crazier is that I can’t imagine that I’m going to be home for months, maybe even a couple years. For the past four years, I’ve never been home longer than three weeks, and to imagine that multiplied by I-don’t-kn0w-what-number-yet…

But despite the crazy start to 2010, I am so thankful for many things. December gave me a good feel for how home would be like, and I can only hope & pray that I can change and adapt where appropriate to these circumstances, rather than just being frustrated and angry. A good point that Pastor Patrick handed me at my exit interview was that my parents are a God-given authority in my life. Meaning, as much as I disagree or believe that they make my life difficult, they have been placed in my life for a reason, and I have to honor them. So we’ll see how that goes… it’s much too early to say anything.

I made resolutions again this year, since Naomi made us do them last year. She insisted that it wasn’t about setting ourselves up for failure, but that we should always be striving to improve ourselves, and that any other attitude would be one that was lazy and unfitting. On my flight back to San Diego earlier this month, I finally penned up my resolutions (which was quite a hefty list. looks like I have a lot to improve):

1. Be gospel-centered in thinking & worldview, remembering that truth must be balanced with love&grace.

2. Exercise once a week. (This was a repeat from last year, where I failed miserably. I’m failing miserably as we speak.)

3. Be on time for things/manage & plan time well! (Also a repeat, but I’m definitely improving

4. Sleep earlier by 1am, latest.

5. Read Bible in a year (I’m intimidated, but I really want to do this.)

6. Pray more. Make a prayer calendar to remind myself to pray for different people everyday.

Oh yes, and side things I’m working on:

a) How to sew/be crafty (currently working on an apron and a headband/sash thing)

b) How to cook Chinese food!

So far, I’m not doing so well. I guess it’s hard when I’ve overhauled my life recently, but I’m going to work on it. I suppose I’ll bring them up every couple months to do a “check” on how I’m doing.

Also, I’m so thankful for encouragement from fellow strugglers. How He knows what we need.

how fitting.

How appropriate that my blog (that I write in rarely–but my blog, nonetheless) is called “a time for everything”.

As of this past week, my parents have asked (I think–they won’t stop changing their mind of what they want me to do) to come home. It’s been pretty heavy on my heart to return home to minister to my  parents and friends here, especially since my biggest (and only) pull for staying in San Diego would be my church. I know that staying in San Diego wouldn’t have been the most selfish thing, all practicalities of finances aside… I am actively being equipped and challenged by the shepherds of the church; dispensed wisdom, encouragement, and correction by the older ladies; and the families serve as such a great example for how I hope to raise my family one day (God-willing!). Not to mention how much I’ve learned from LBC-SD these 2+years. And h0w it is my first and only church family…

I think seeing Anthony dealing with the same situation last month was good in challenging me in my own convictions about moving home vs. staying. But at the same time, Wury challenged me to mediate on John 21:21-25, about when Jesus asked Peter whether Peter agape-loved Jesus above all these things (meaning EVERYTHING), Peter replied twice that of course he phileo-loved Jesus, which is a much less intense love than agape. On top of that, Peter was concerned about John, and Jesus had to remind Peter than Peter need only be focused on his own portion.

So bottom-line:

-Do I agape-love Christ above everything that I am willing to do what He commands, be it in the Bay Area or San Diego?

-Am I more concerned about circumstances (friends, money, potential career) than God’s glory?

Challenging, challenging thoughts. Either way, I guess I have a little more time to think through it.

Also, Christmas is coming soon. Weird though, since I’m so jaded by the commercial, secularization of Christmas. It’s hard to remember that it is about celebrating Christ’s birth, and not about just celebrating a holiday for the sake of doing so. Or getting 3 weeks of break.

i think the worst kind of hurtful comments aren’t the kind where the insult is blatantly communicated in their words.  because in that case, you know what they mean in what they’re saying, and you know where it’s coming from immediately. i think the worst is the implied kind, where it isn’t said outright, but what they assume is hidden within their words. so you don’t understand their meaning or intent right off the bat, but it’s something that takes a while to unravel, and when it does, it slowly sinks in. and not only that, but it simmers since you can’t stop rolling it around in your mind.

but at the same time, i realize my weakness in being so hurt by people’s comments.

it ultimately means that i place a lot of my worth in what people think of me.

when people reveal certain faults i have in my character or offend me, i’m upset because i place a great value of self-worth on how i believe i should be conceived. and perhaps the answer is not to avoid or seethe quietly at these people, but to know my worth is nothing on my own accord, but redeemed only by the cross.

but oh man, dying to self is so painful. but something i need to continually learn.

cleanliness is close to…

considering the embarassing state of our last house when we returned it back to our landlady, my new apartment has been a definite change for me. in some ways, it’s extremely unnatural and uncomfortable for me, since i feel like i’m almost intruding on someone else’s kitchen when i’m cooking in it. however, it has been good in learning how to better clean up after myself, and in a lot of ways, learning how to serve others practically in being considerate or washing dishes that aren’t mine (quite a change.. and it’s good).

in many ways, these habits are translating to my short visit back home. the order of the house has been quite different since our housekeeper retired when i left for college, and with their busy careers, housekeeping is not a high priority for my parents. especially this time, i’m learning that it takes a LOT of work even trying to maintain a household; the other day i prepared dinner in the afternoon, cleaned, and then started dinner as i was mending my brother’s pants… i felt very productive and mature.

i think a year or two ago i would’ve moaned and complained that this was boring, menial, and dirty work. but now, i see it as a very practical way to serve and love my family and a way to prepare for the future. and anyway, at 21 i don’t think i can expect anyone to clean up after me anymore. …not that i do all these things perfectly (i mean, the chicken i made the other night was too salty ): but i’m definitely finding it very gratifying in developing these skills.

regardless, the house still has a lot of cleaning and fixing up to do.. and i’m still trying to build the outdoor pond for the turtles.. more updates to come (: